Frustrated Weekend Gardners

"Put down the shears and step away from the boxwood, sir."

Over the years, I have witnessed havoc and destruction befall many a garden by eager husbands let loose, unsupervised, armed with loppers and shears. I have seen apple trees that look like they went through a blender. And Rhododendrans that appear to have been involved in combat. I don't know what goes through the mind of garden novices that empowers them to pick up these implements of mass destruction, but they bear a grudge (often permanent) to the plants they attack.

I offer some advice to the prune prone weekend gardener:

• Don't prune or trim while mad. Take a deep breath before venturing out with garden tools. Remember that plant didn't do a damn thing to you, so don't take it out on shrubbery.
• Plants don't come with an owner's manual. So don't think you can read a book and then go for it. The result is usually flora abomination. Even from my own experience as a professional, I find diagrams misleading.
• Hire a gardener. These folks usually know what they're doing and, like a house cleaner, don't cost as much as you would think. Watch them. Talk with them. But please do not venture out into the wilds of your garden to trim, prune or cut anything. At least until you consult with a knowledgeable gardener. Then try it yourself.